The 5 love languages: why they're trending, what's true about them and how to use them without turning them into labels

"My love language is acts of service" has become a common line on dating profiles, in memes and in couples' videos. Search for love languages on TikTok and you'll find millions of posts with quizzes, jokes and advice. The idea was born in 1992 with the book The Five Love Languages by American marriage counselor Gary Chapman, which has sold more than 20 million copies. Three decades later, it's more popular than ever. But is it backed by science?

What the five languages are

• Words of affirmation: compliments, thanks, "I love you", messages of support.
• Quality time: full attention, no screens; conversations and shared activities.
• Gifts: not for their price but as a symbol of "I was thinking of you".
• Acts of service: doing things that make the other person's life easier, like cooking, fixing something or handling an errand.
• Physical touch: hugs, caresses, holding hands, intimacy.

Chapman's idea is that each person has a "primary" language, and that many conflicts arise when one partner expresses love in a language the other doesn't "understand".

What the research says

The love languages didn't come from a scientific study but from Chapman's clinical experience. Since then, several research teams have put them to the test. In 2024, a review published in Current Directions in Psychological Science by researchers from the universities of Toronto and Saskatchewan examined the accumulated evidence and reached three main conclusions:

1. Most people value all five. Rather than having one dominant language, we tend to appreciate every form of affection, with different nuances.
2. There's no solid evidence that "speaking the same language" makes couples happier. Some studies found a small benefit when a partner receives the kind of affection they prefer, but others didn't confirm it.
3. Five types don't cover everything. The researchers suggest thinking of love as a balanced diet: we need several "nutrients", and some, such as support for personal growth or respect for autonomy, aren't on the original list.

So, is it useful at all?

Yes, if you use it as a conversation tool rather than a diagnosis. What's valuable about love languages is that they encourage something science does support: paying attention to what makes your partner feel loved and talking about it openly. Many couples discover, for example, that one person works hard washing the car and doing the shopping, while the other simply misses sitting down to talk.

The trouble starts when they become rigid labels or excuses: "I don't hug you because touch isn't my language", or "if you loved me you'd buy me gifts". No category replaces empathy.

How to use them in a healthy way

• Ask instead of assuming: "what did I do this week that made you feel loved?" is a powerful question.
• Mix it up: even if your partner prefers words, a hug or a cup of coffee made for them still counts.
• Look after everyday details: research on gratitude shows that saying thank you for small things increases satisfaction for both partners.
• Respect change: what we need shifts with life stages: after having children, during an illness or in busy seasons at work.
• Don't use it to keep score: love isn't a ledger of favors.

An exercise for this week

Each of you writes down three specific things the other did recently that made you feel loved, and three things you'd like more of. Then swap lists without debating them, just to read. Surprises are normal: gestures one person barely remembers turn out to have meant a great deal to the other. Repeating it every few months helps you "update" what each of you needs.

Beyond romantic relationships

Many people apply the same idea to friends, children or parents. A teenager may appreciate a ride somewhere more than a thousand pieces of advice; a grandparent may value a weekly call more than any present. Thinking about how each person prefers to receive affection is, in the end, a way of paying attention to them.

The bottom line

The five love languages are a friendly, easy-to-remember starting point, not a psychological law. Their great strength is that they invite us to notice and to ask. And on that point, science and common wisdom agree: love grows when the other person feels seen.